Harder Than You Think
by 506thpir
Summary: Rubbing my temples I let out a groan. I'd been going in circles with the argument for months now and it was full of "what ifs" and even now I still wasn't sure of my decision. Slight mention of Jori
1. Chapter 1

Tapping my thumb against the laptop, I try in vain to focus on the screen. Screwing my brows together, I glare at the blinking cursor on the still empty status bar.

"This is so…." Sighing I stand up and begin to pace the room.

"Come on Tori, you can write this."

Walking back and forth my eyes stay trained on the carpet.

"Just get it out there. How hard can it be to do this?"

Stopping my movement I look at the still blank bar.  
><em>'Harder than you think.'<em> My mind answers back.

Groaning I fall onto my bed.

"It can't be this hard. It _shouldn't_ be this hard." Biting my bottom lip I stare at the opposite wall.

For months I'd been trying to do this. In all honesty it shouldn't be that hard. Right? But then again, coming out is never easy. When I came out to my family I almost had a panic attack before I even got the words out.

But I know what the reactions of everyone will be. Well, I'm pretty sure what everyone's reactions will be. It's that uncertainty that's been gnawing away at me and taking away whatever courage I have to do this.  
>Letting out another deep sigh I look back over to the open laptop.<p>

I almost feel as if I was coming out as a lesbian would be better than coming out as bi. I've heard the comments people have said. "You need to choose." "Bisexuality isn't real" "You're just being greedy."  
>Even in the things I've seen in the online LGBT communities there's still a stigma. All of this just makes me not want to even say anything.<p>

'_But you'd be lying to yourself and friends.'_

Tapping my fingers against the bed I look away from my Slap page.

For a long while I'd been questioning myself. Back in middle school I'd started to notice my interest in girls, but I had pushed it aside. I knew I liked boys and I thought it had to be one or the other. And even then I didn't want to acknowledge my attraction to the girls in my classes. It wasn't until my first year at Sherwood that the feelings started to grow. And then it wasn't until my first day of Hollywood Arts that it hit me like a falling brick.

"Friggin Jade." I mumble irritably.

She'd been quite the sight. An angry young women who wanted to rip my arms off but wow did she look beautiful. As the year went on she looked even more so. It had gotten to the point where if she came to school looking exceptionally gorgeous, it was hard to focus in class. I don't blame her or anything, I'm the one who can't control my raging hormones. It's just…

I bit my bottom lip again.

I have no plans to ever tell her of my attraction. She's with Beck and that would just be, well, disrespectful. Plus there's no reason to tell her.

"Not like she'll reciprocate the feelings or anything." My heart gave a slight twinge.

I'd be lucky if she didn't mercilessly tease me every day until graduation.

Is it even worth it to come out?

There's only a year of school left. In theory I could just wait it out and not say anything. Come out after high school and not worry about it. Of course, the gang would still know and really they're the reactions I'm worried about most. But then again I wouldn't be seeing them every day so if they had a problem with it I wouldn't really have to worry about it. But if I come out now and they do happen to have an issue with me being bi, then I have to deal with it for the next year. But what if they don't have a problem and I'm worrying for nothing? I could come out and find a great girl to go out with at the school and not have to worry about hiding it from everyone. Then again, what if I'm ostracized from everything?

Rubbing my temples I let out a groan. I've been going in circles about coming out for months now and all my arguments are "what ifs".

What if everyone hates me?

What if everyone still loves me?

What if this ruins my future career?

What if I'm seen as a freak?

What if I'm stoned to death by rogue overzealous religious people in the Asphalt Café?

All in all I didn't really have answers to these questions.

Standing up I walk back over to my desk and sit back down. Staring at the still empty status bar, my heart begins to race.

This is something I need to do. I know that. There's no easy way to go about this so I may as well just do it.  
>Brining shaking hands up I place them on the keyboard. I moment passes before I begin typing. After a few seconds I stare at the words making sure this is what I want to do. After a few more tense moments I let out a sigh.<p>

"No turning back once I press post."

Cursor hovering, my leg starts to shake anxiously and my heart races even faster. My stomach starts to feel like it's in a vice; I feel like throwing up. Teeth clinched I close my eyes.

"Just do it Tori." I tell myself again.

Another rolling bout of nausea runs through me and I begin to think that I shouldn't be doing this. That I can't do this.  
>Opening my eyes I look at the screen for a final time.<p>

"But if I don't do it now, will I ever do it?"

Sucking it a sharp breath I click "post status".

Staring at the words "Status Updated" I sit frozen.  
>I did it.<br>I told everyone.

And now I wait.

**AN:** All right ya'll. It's been a good 3 years since I've last written anything. Last time I even posted anything was Novemeber 1, 2011. So actually, a little under 3 years.  
>But either way, it's been a while. I'm sorry if Tori is OC. It's been some time since I've written in her pov so it'll take some getting used to to get her mannerisms correct. I also didn't proofread so sorry for the mistakes. I might make changes to the story in the future.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

This is not easy. Maybe I should just stay in bed. Yea. That'd be good. Stay in bed and just not get up. Maybe I can stay here for the day. Or week. Maybe month. Or till-

"TORI! GET UP! I'm not going to be late because you're so lazy!"

Groaning at Trina's obnoxious yelling I pull myself to sit up. Taking in a deep breath I let out a large sigh.

"I can do this." I whisper.

Throwing my legs over the edge of the bed I stand and try and start my day.

I get ready for school in a daze like state. I'm too focused on not having a panic attack that I don't really notice what I'm doing. By the time I fully realize what I'm doing I'm already down the stairs.

Trina lets out a huff. "It's about time."

"Sorry." I whisper.

Face softening Trina gives me a small smile.  
>"It's going to be okay Tori. No one is going to say anything."<p>

I give her a pointed look. "Jade."

"Okay, maybe Jade will say something."  
>"Yea. Something mean."<p>

Grabbing her keys from the coffee table Trina heads towards the door.  
>"Try not to think too much about it. Maybe she didn't see the post at all."<p>

"Yea right. And maybe Cat's brother will be normal one day."

Driving to the school felt like I was driving towards my impending death. Staring out at the windows I tried to calm myself.

'_It's going to be okay. Everything will be fine. No one is going to say anything bad.' _

My eyes catch a women jogging with her dog.

'_So what if Jade knows? So what if when I see her she has that knowing smirk on her face and that look in her eyes like she's just waiting to torture me?'_  
>My heart starts to beat faster and my hands begin to feel clamy.<p>

'_She'll probably call me a dike or muffin muncher. Although that seems a little unoriginal for Jade. Maybe Tori Vegay. Maybe she won't even call me names. Maybe she'll just give me disgusted looks.'_

Reaching a red light I can vaguely hear Trina singing a Katy Perry song. I'm so far into my own head that I don't really process it.

'_No, she'll definitely say something.'_

Lips turning down into a frown I clench my jaw.

'_She'll be disgusted for sure. I know she'll say something mean. "can't choose Vega? I always knew you were greedy." Or "are you just saying you're bi to get a threesome? Sorry, but Beck and I aren't interested." Maybe she'll just act completely disgusted and won't even want to be near me anymore. Not that she did before anyway.'_

I realize that we're in the school's parking lot right as Trina slams on the brakes. Flying forward the seatbelt halts my body from going any further as my back slams back into my seat.

"Watch we're your walking you slags!"  
>Seeing three students standing in front of the car yelling at us, one of them flips Trina off and walks away. As the other two follow I turn to Trina.<br>"You almost killed them!"

Frown on her face, she lets out a huff. "Not my fault they're walking in the road way."  
>"We're in a parking lot!" I argue. "They have the right of way!"<br>Waving her hand to dismiss me I let out a groan.  
>"Just park so I can get out before I'm an accessory to vehicular homicide."<br>I hear Trina snort. "Don't be such a drama queen."  
>"You're one to talk miss If-I-Don't-Get-This-Role-I'll-Never-Become-A-Famous-Actress."<br>Pulling into an empty space she yells "That was an important career changing role!"  
>Unclicking the seatbelt I grab my bag from the backseat.<br>I give my sister a pointed look. "It was the role of Sister 2 in a Cheetos commercial."  
>"It was a big role! She had to throw a Cheeto at the brother!"<br>Rolling my eyes I step out of the car.

The moment I see the school I remember what I had been so worried about on the drive over.  
>"Oh, fudge."<p>

AN: Looks like I will be in fact continuing this story. No idea how long it'll be or when I'll finish it.  
>Also, I'm looking for this story about Jade and this OC. I put up a thing about it so if anyone knows please tell me. I'd rather know it's been taken down than keep thinking it's still up and just not being able to find it. Thanks ya'll!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Seeing the school in front of me I feel as if I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Hearing the driver's side door of Trina's car slam shut I turn to face the car.

"I don't think I can do this."

Not looking up from her phone that she's taken out, Trina asks "Do what?"

"Go into the school." I start to breath heavy as my heart begins to race.  
>"I don't think I can face everyone. Not after what I posted."<p>

Finally looking up, Trina watches me for a moment. By now I'm shaking and my whole body feels frozen. If I wasn't on the verge of a complete meltdown I'd have noticed the worried look she was giving me.

"Tor, you're going to be fine."

"What if Andre is disgusted with me? What if Robbie is afraid to come near me because he thinks he'll catch the gay. I know I'm bi but I don't doubt that's something he'd be worried about." I ramble.  
>"And what about Jade?" I continue. "What if she just tortures me for the rest of the year until graduation and calls me horrible names and-"<p>

My eyes grow wide. Running around the front of the car until I'm in front of Trina I grip her shoulders.

"What if she finds out I have a huge crush on her and she teases me mercilessly and flaunts her relationship with Beck in front of me every chance she gets because she knows it'll tear me up inside and I slowly start to break and break until I'm so depressed I have to change schools." I whisper in a rush.

"I already know I can't have her and that she hates me and I already hurts seeing her kiss Beck. I don't think I could take her knowing and purposely trying to hurt me."

Looking at me in confusion, Trina stares at me for a moment trying to comprehend everything I just said.  
>It was that moment I realized that I had never told anyone about my crush on the goth.<p>

'_Oh no.'_

Eyes growing wide Trina's mouth opens in shock.

"You have a crush on J-"  
>Quickly covering her mouth I look around us to see if anyone is watching. Looking back at my sister I shake my head.<p>

"You can't say a word to anyone. Not ANYONE. If this gets back to her she's going to kill me or torture me or something equally as bad. She can never know."

Trina continues to stare at me with wide eyes.

"Please Trina." I beg.

As she nods her head I uncover her mouth.

"I'm serious Trina. You can't tell anyone. I can't have her find out. Ever. Or at least not until after graduation when I can easily ignore her."

Crossing her arms, Trina looks offended.  
>"Do you really think I'd tell anyone?"<p>

"Umm…."

"Tori! I'm your sister! I may love some juicy gossip, and as juicy as this is," She looks off to the side. "and no matter how tempting it will be to tell someone…" She mumbles to herself.

"Trina!"

"I won't tell anyone. I love you and have your best interests at heart. And it's not in your best interest to have Jade find out that you love her. Trust me, she will tear you to piece if she finds out."

"Wow. Way to make me feel better sis." I deadpan.

"All I'm saying is, I won't tell anyone. I promise."

I smile at her and go in for a hug.  
>"Thanks Trin. I always knew you had a heart somewhere in there."<p>

Letting out a grunt she gives me a weak hug back.  
>"But we're talking about your choice in women later. I mean really. Her? Of all people?"<p>

Pulling back I smile halfheartedly.  
>"Can't stop the heart from wanting what it wants."<p>

"Yea, but her?"

Rolling my eyes we head towards the school.

"Hush. I'm not happy about it either. It's like wanting to cuddle with a bunch of those fuzzy caterpillars everyone has been talking about and not being able to because you know it'll lead to an excruciating, poisonous death."

"I don't think those things have killed anyone…."

I wave my hand at her dismissively. "You get my point."

Opening the doors to the school, I take a deep breath. As Trina goes off in another direction I walk towards my locker. So far no sign of any of the gang.

Putting in the combination I open the door to get some books out when I see a figure from the corner of my eye walking towards me.

'_Please don't be Jade. Please don't be Jade.'_

"What up chica?"

I let out a sigh and face the musician.

"Hey Andre."  
>I feel my heart start to race again as the smile on his face shifts to a look of concern.<p>

"Are you okay? You look pale."

"Yea, I'm fine." I turn back to the locker and try to look busy.  
>"Why-why do you ask?"<p>

'_Damn it. Now he'll know something's wrong.'_

There's a moment of silence as he leans against the lockers next to mine and continues to stare at me.

"Tori."

Ignoring him I continue to try and look focused on what I'm doing.

He tries again.  
>"Tori."<p>

I grab a book and put it into my book bag.

"_Tori"_ Lightly grabbing my shoulder, Andre has me face him.

"Tor, I don't care."

Wrapping his arms around me, he pulls me in for a tight hug. Book bag falling to the floor I wrap my arms around him and hug him back.

"I don't care that you're bi. You're still you. Nothing has changed. Literally, nothing has changed. You're still the same person. Now I just know a little more about your dating preference."

Giving me a final squeeze, he pulls back and smiles at me.

"Trust me. No one is going to care. Not me, not Cat, Robbie, Beck, or Sikowitz"

"And Jade?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, he shrugs.

"Jade probably won't care."

Groaning I close my locker. Grabbing my bag from the floor we head towards Sikowitz class.

"I just don't want to get crap from her is all."

Walking around a group of students I smile at Andre.

"But I'm glad to know that you don't have a problem with it. That takes a weight off my shoulders."

Smiling back he puts his arm around my shoulder.

"Out of all the things in the world I could possibly have a problem with, that most certainly is not one of them."

Laughing we walk into the half empty class and set our bags down.

"Glad to hear."

"Toriiiiii!"

Looking behind me I see Cat rushing towards me, arms open. Before crashing into me I see Robbie following behind her with Rex.

Pulling me into a tight hug, Cat begins to speak so fast I can't understand a word she's saying. I look to Andre for help.

"Cat, we can't understand you. Could you talk just a little slower?" He asks while pulling her away from me.

"Robbie said you were dead!"

Glancing at Robbie I see him shifting on his feet, face completely red.

"I never said that."

Spinning to face him, Cat yells "You did! You said she was dead! I heard you!" She points to each side of her head. "With my own two ears!"

"Why did you say she was dead?" Andre asks.

If possible Robbie gets even more flustered.  
>"I didn't say she's dead! Clearly she's not dead!"<p>

"Who's dead?" A familiar male voice asks from somewhere behind us.

Turning around I see Beck walking in with Jade, arm wrapped around her waist.

"Is it Vega?" Jade looks over at me with a smirk. "I'm hoping it's Vega and this is just her ghost."

Cat clings to Andre and begins to sob. "It is! Tori's dead! Robbie said so!"

"No I didn't!"

Letting go of Andre, Cat spins around to face Robbie.  
>"You did!"<p>

As Cat and Robbie begin to argue I look over at Andre with a confused look. Shrugging his shoulders, he leans over and whispers "at least this takes off the subject of what you posted on The Slap."

"I said 'bi'! Not 'die'!" Robbie screams over Cats yelling.

My heart drops into my stomach.

"Okay. Never mind."


End file.
